Okay, bad news is that this isn’t the fun fairytale otherworld. Not Oz or Narnia. Not even the unpleasant delirium of Wonderland. Um, this is where the vampires are from, werewolves, where the witches settled after we started burning them. We are, as it were, in the land of horrors.
Good news, I’ve been here once or twice. I know the lay of the land. Now, the first step is probably Sleepy Hollow; given the state we found your principal’s body in, that is, we only found a body, he’ll probably be done riding tonight. Even if he’s feeling unusually industrious, the bridge is close. We can make it at a run. Just remember, he’s swinging for your head, so just duck down, like this; shoulders up. Honestly, he ain’t nothing. Galloping Hessian? more like the wallowing session. That’s why he stays on the border here. None of the other spooks will have anything to do with him; he’s such a bore.
Alright, the next problem. We probably have to go over the moors. Not the best option, but if I take you through the witches’ town, at least half of you are going to end up as meat pies or toads or something. I mean, it’s usually one of the safer options, but Tilda and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment, and I don’t have enough wards left over for all of you.
Wait, the moors will get us too close to the sea. It’s spawning season. Ugh, the end of spawning season; all they know is Cthulhu and tits right now, and the unlucky ones do start lumbering inland. None of those gill throats are going to understand the word “no” in their condition, or anything more than a grunt.
Oh! I can’t take you through the old woods either. Blast it. Besides the fact that Drac would probably herd us into his castle, the trees are not friends. Those roots are too deep, and they remember too much.
Oh gosh.
Any of you afraid of clowns? Well, suck it up. I don’t like it much, but the little ones only do jump scares and the old ones, well, I mean, we’ll get you counselors afterwards or something, but they won’t touch you. Just remember, it’s all in your head.
Ignore them if you can, but if they do get your attention, remember, the one thing they can’t stand is being laughed at. God, sorry ass clowns. Can’t even take a joke. I did have to kill the one funny guy in the whole troupe.
Alright, listen, this is the only time you’ll ever hear me say this, but once we get into the clown caves, I want you to pull out your phones and start doomscrolling. You can’t have an existential crisis if you’re distracted.
Once we’re out of the caves, we’ll be in the mountains. I suppose it’s safe enough to stop at the college. None of your brains are going to be of the quality they’re looking for; if they start asking, play dumb. Be like Hector. Cs and Ds. You’ve never gotten an A in your life and you don’t know how to spell it, capisce? Then we can march down to the lands of the dead afterward. It’ll be good for your education. History lessons from the corpses who were there. That’ll be a safe spot until we can get you out of here, just won’t be your “safe place” ya know? Like, these guys are not politically correct. They’re going to say things, use words, you’re not ready for, but that’s on you.
Everyone got the plan in case we get separated? Good. Now, remember, duck your head when he swings. Head down; shoulders up. Let’s go.
