By the Power of Textual Criticism

I talked with a ghost once, or at a ghost. She didn’t say much, just sort of moaned, rattling the chains of her damnation at intervals. I didn’t really know much about exorcisms, first time and all that, but I figured I’d give it a try. My friends knew I went to a Christian school, so they thought I’d be best to give it a go. So, I did the one thing I knew could drive away any woman living or dead; I began expounding upon the wonderful intricacies of textual criticism. This tactic has never once failed at ending bad dates.

“So you see,” I concluded, “the one thing we can say conclusively about any book of the Bible is that if it says someone wrote it, he didn’t.”

At about that point, she let forth a demonic shriek and disappeared. When I turned around, however, instead of the expected applauds I was hoping for, I found that all my friends had also been driven away by my diatribe. As with most of my forays into textual criticism, at the conclusion I found myself sad and alone.