How happy I am today. It is no fiery thing, no explosion, but a solid block, a faithful thing, I find inside my heart. It leaves room for tears and sorrow. Perhaps it’s hope, perhaps faith, perhaps it’s God there I feel. Yesterday, I meditated on our Lord’s agony in the garden, and I wondered whether, when Judas kissed—what did Christ feel? Revulsion at the betrayal? Did his human nature welcome the familiar touch of a loved one? Which? I wondered.
There were falling stars last night, and a clear sky; I did not go to bed till 2:00 this morning. I reentered my home and was overcome with tears. I sat on the stairwell and wondered, “Was it both, My Lord?” What sorrow to be betrayed.
I had talked with my father under the sky. He alluded to the feedings of the thousands, to pick up the crumbs—”and doesn’t that teach us of communion?” I cut in. He had never connected the two. As I am becoming a papist, I am shocked that my dad, my father who has a theology degree and spoke of God to me since I was a babe, did not know this simple, this obvious, this glaring point the gospels make.
Is it not a consequence of this miracle that Jesus reveals the mystery, “You must eat me.” Is it not a consequence of this revelation that Peter becomes Peter? Christ broke bread and handed it to his disciples who handed it to the crowd. He broke bread, gave it to the twelve, who give it unto the world. If even the earthly bread that fed the thousands should be picked up, the crumbs carefully gathered, how much more when Christ multiplies himself for us?
Judas was there, passing out the bread and dipping his hand in the bowl with our Lord.
I woke up this morning in a little pain and discomfort, but felt a deep seated happiness inside. You may see me weeping in this veil of tears, but I assure you, it is a bridal veil. Our mother has borne the Son, our Groom. With him, our lives are a sad sally to the cross. The world is inverted and sees a funeral march, but it does not know white from black, “blue skies from grey.”
“Lord, is it I who would betray you? Let it not be so.” I make no boast. I fear I will fear, that I will scatter and run away. Lead me back. Though it be death, lead me to You.
“O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of Hell, and lead all souls into Heaven, especially those who are in most need of Thy mercy.”
~ Fatima Prayer
Tale Told 