So, I know nothing—I should start there—I know nothing about Ukraine and Russia. From the info I have, it seems like the Ukrainian people are in the right and are worthy of sympathy and aid while the government of Russia is in the wrong; yet I know nothing. I know not to trust anything I hear on the news, that by experience, and that’s about it. Yet, though I know nothing about this, I think I have a solution: Trial by combat.
I don’t mean to be flippant about a real travesty, which this seems to be, but everybody who could enlighten me is a liar and I don’t know what is real. So, I propose that the two presidents, whatever their names are, shoot each other at so many paces, or hack each other to pieces with sabers, or beat each other with their bare fists until one of them is dead.
The first, though by no means greatest, benefit of my proposal is that a politician would be dead at the end of it; a good day’s work. The second benefit, perhaps the greatest, is that the Ukrainian people and the Russian people would not be dead. Other benefits could be derived from whatever terms the two presidents settle upon before the match. If Russia is really determined that the two nations should be one, a stipulation might be agreed to of “winner takes all” so that one of the nations would then govern the other. I don’t know what Ukraine would want other than to be left alone.
Yet, my idea has two major flaws: On the one hand, it is contingent upon a promise, upon honor. Seeing as this attack has only the barest of fig leaves to cover its shame (I speak as one who knows nothing) and seeing how desperately the Ukrainians themselves are fighting for their sovereignty (again, I am really very ignorant), I cannot image either side keeping their word.
The other problem is, of course, that this solution does not guarantee justice. However, seeing as war is as unjust, we might argue that a trial by combat could at least be called fair. It is certainly unjust that, if things do continue as they are (and of all the many things I don’t know, I don’t know the future) and the bombs do finally end the tragicomedy of life on this earth, many of those who die will be like me, completely ignorant about Ukraine and Russia.
Tale Told 