You’re Dead (Sight of Wisdom)

Have you ever wished for a nightmare? It’s a strange addiction for me, wanting the macabre to invade me with night terrors. In the midst of the dream, locked within breathless fear, I desire nothing but lucidity, to break free from the unreal invasion. Yet it is more desirous for reflection to have nightmares than an average dream.

I am reminded of Christopher Carrion, who kept his nightmares as pets. He was so used to their stings he little minded them. The only fear he could enjoy was in inducing it within others.

On this I’ll meditate: What makes a nightmare? I’ve had dreams with horrific elements possessing no hint of dread to them, and conversely been kept awake at night by the most benign series of nightly visions. I had a dream where I felt something about to scare me, and generally having the ability to wake myself on command, thought about exiting before the obvious “jump-scare.” But I had a big day coming, and didn’t want to lose any sleep. I pushed through, and when the vampire leaped out at me from behind a door—an illogically placed door in the middle of the street, if I remember correctly—I felt the fear, my body covered in chills, but disjointed from my internal reality, as if it was a bite I’d grown numb to.

I’ll not seek trouble to learn wisdom, but seek wisdom through my troubles.