A little busy tonight, so I present something I wrote many moons ago. It’s supposed to be funny.

Mafia With Hats

 

Characters

All characters were titled after my hats. Either change names to suit your group or gather some hats to distinguish characters by.

Hoodie

He or She is assigned the duties of sheriff. This character is an angry person who scowls a lot.

Soft

He plays the God role; should be an energetic personality.

Fedora

He plays the straight man for the gags, and is the only one who thinks something is odd when people start dying.

Cowboy

No lines, he just dies. Small part, can double as the narrator in the Preamble.

Cap

No lines, however this is not a small part. The actor needs to have a very creepy smile the whole time and be very still.

Top

Should act conceited.

Tan

This character should act hipster like.

 

Preamble (Narrator)

The Game of Mafia is simple.

Two teams: Townspeople and Mafia.

Every night, the Mafia kill one of the Townspeople.

Every day, the townspeople have the option to execute someone.

But sometimes, The Game’s not that simple.

 

Scene 1

Opens with Soft and Fedora playing chess.

Soft:

Do you wanna play a game?

Fedora:

I thought that’s what we were doing.

Soft:

NO! A real game! A man’s game!

Fedora:

Are we talking Frogger?

Soft:

Come with me!

Scene 2

Scary dark room filled with full cast and small fire. Close up shot of each.

Soft:

Since we all know the rules, let us commence.

(Prepares to douse fire with drink)

Fedora:

Wait, what are we playing?

Top:

Mafia dear boy, my goodies, that’s why we’re all here.

Fedora:

Oh. That’s cool. Why do I have to sit next to him?

(Pan to Cap with his unshakable smile.)

Soft:

Townspeople, go to sleep.

(Pours drink and extinguishes fire.)

I am picking the Mafia, I am picking the Mafia.

I am picking the Sheriff, I am picking the Sheriff.

Sheriff, who do you think is in the Mafia?

No.

Mafia, who do you want to kill?

(Fire is re-lit.)

Fedora:

Oh, I love this game. (Screams.)

(Pan to Coboy, dead.)

Tan:

Indoor voices please, Yank!

Fedora:

Indoor voices? Cowboy Hat is dead!

Top:

Yes, and we must find out who killed him.

Fedora:

No he’s dead, he’s really dead, not just game dead, dead dead! [Aside: Dead dead?

Hoodie:

Noob

(Shot of cap with creepy smile.)

Fedora:

You’re really creeping me out.

Soft:

Townspeople, do you wish to accuse anyone?

Top:

Hmmmm, Fedora is acting a little suspicious.

(Fedora expresses terror.)

Hoodie:

Let’s kill him.

Fedora:

Wait, wait, wait.

Soft:

Is that an accusation?

Top:

Yes, I accuse Fedora.

Fedora:

What! Why? The game’s just started, there’s no evidence!

Top:

Last night I heard Cowboy Hat and Fedora arguing, violently.

Fedora:

This is insane! You just made that up!

Soft:

It is time to vote.

Fedora:

Wait, wait, this is crazy. Cowboy Hat is dead, and we’re just going to keep playing Mafia?

Soft:

Non votes and ties will be in favor of the defendant. Not Guilty?

Tan:

Hmmm, the Yank has a point, it’s a little early in the game to start killing. I vote not guilty.

(Everyone else is visited in turn. No votes in favor of Fedora.)

Fedora:

Guys, if you kill me, I might die! (Thinks about what he just said.)

Soft:

Guilty?

Top:

I, for one, know he’s guilty.

Hoodie:

(Slowly extends hand and gives a thumbs down.)

Fedora:

Guys, this is really freaking me out.

Cap:

(Still smiling.)

Soft:

Cap, it’s up to you.

Fedora:

I’m dead.

Cap:

(Does not vote. Continues strange smile.)

Soft:

A no vote, therefore two to two. The defendant lives.

Fedora:

Fooo, well—

Soft:

Goodnight.

Fedora:

Wait, no!

(Fade to black.)

Scene 3

Soft:

Mafia, who do you want to kill?

Sheriff, who do you think is in the Mafia?

That person is in the Mafia.

Townspeople, awake.

(Lights on.)

Fedora:

(Eyes shut tight. Slowly pads himself. Opens one eye.)

I’m alive!

(Screams and points. Pans to Top Hat, dead.)

Hoodie:

I know who the killer is.

Tan:

Wait, I do too, it’s him! I’m the Sheriff, I know.

Hoodie:

No, I’m the Sheriff! Soft just told me—

Tan:

I accuse Hoodie!

Hoodie:

(Growls.)

Soft:

As before, non votes and ties will count in favor of the defendant. Not guilty?

Cap:

(Still smilling.)

Tan:

It’s time we end this. Kill him!

Fedora:

(Scrutinizes Hoodie.)

Hoodie:

(Scowls.)

Fedora:

He looks guilty, but I don’t want to kill anyone.

Soft:

How do you vote?

Fedora:

I, I, I don’t want to die! Kill him!

Soft:

(Picture on Hoodie)

Two points majority, you’re dead. Who were you?

Hoodie:

I was the Sheriff.

(Keels over dead.)

Fedora:

No! he was! You!

(Points to Tan. Pan to Tan. Tan looks startled.)

Soft:

Goodnight Townspeople.

(Lights out.)

Scene 4

Soft:

Mafia, who do you want to kill?

Townspeople, awake.

(Lights on. Tan Hat is dead.)

Fedora:

I did not expect that.

(Turns slowly. Pan to Cap. Back to Fedora.)

It was you.

(Pan to cap. Back to Fedora.)

You killed all these people.

(Pan to Cap. Back to Fedora.)

Murderer!

[Aside: Honestly, I’m not sure how I missed that.

Soft:

Is that an accusation?

Fedora:

(Thinks about it.)

This is the only way. I accuse Cap.

Soft:

A majority of one. Cap, you’re dead.

Cap:

(With smile falls backwards.)

Soft:

Congratulations, you’ve won.

Fedora:

I’ve won. I’ve won? What sort of game is this! People are dead, my friends, because of a stupid game!

Soft:

Dude, calm down.

Fedora:

Calm Down? You know what, this is your fault, you set up this game, you could have stopped this! But no! We just kept playing! There may be blood on my hands but it was from shaking yours!

Soft:

The game’s over.

Fedora:

No it’s not! I accuse you!

Soft:

What?

Fedora:

You heard me! A majority of one. You’re dead!

Soft:

(Dies)

Fedora:

(Sits down satisfied. Pan to each dead character, and finally on Fedora.)

Mafia wins!